"The train arriving on platform 4 is the London Victoria service. This train is formed of four coaches, which we realise is only half a train. As a result our revenue protection officers will be passing through the train, naked, and apologising individually, in handwriting, to every passenger while handing out 50% refunds, in cash, before spending the rest of the journey, towards the middle of this half-a-train, dangling from meat hooks, where you will be invited to prod them at your leisure with rolled up copies of Metro. That's how sorry we are."
But they're never sorry. Not really. And the only way to beat commuter misery is to not use public transport. If you don't mind running the odd gaunlet of bovine-headed motorists and pedestrians and you promise to obey traffic lights, then your bike is the answer.
And there are tax breaks if you do. Check out
Why cycling is good for your wealth
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